I'm a "public figure"... at least in the world of social network sites. People
see my name in the press and they friend request me and it's rude of me to say
no.
I don't know danah but I quite like her writing. However, saying "no" to others and accepting these refusals with grace is a critical part of human social interaction. Not every negotiation or transaction ends in "yes". That is something we have to be prepared for when we engage in these activities. Otherwise we may get offended, hurt, etc.
On the other hand, the risk of offending or hurting someone is not sufficient reason to say "yes" to something we think is a bad idea*. People get over refusal and rejection - often quicker than expected.
I am not famous so only people I know want to "friend" me. I have rejected connection offers with people I don't know on linkedin and I'm sure the same thing will arise on facebook (I'm a loose-linker but not an absolute link-slut).
If our world is getting more interconnected then we will face more opportunities for interaction & exchange. And this almost certainly means more acceptances & rejections. I'm not sure that we all need to develop hides as thick as telesales representatives but:
- Remember that any offer can be rejected.
- If you reject someone, say why. "I don't know you well enough" is acceptable.
- If you are rejected (for a job, in love, over a freakin' facebook invite), get over it.
*This links to the power of Fuggetaboutit. Someone refused your offer of myspace/linkedin/facebook friendship? Get on with it. Let go. Really.
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6 comments:
Well said Matt, if more people had this mentality maybe we would all be a whole lot happier!!!
Hang on my above comment was for regection and getting over it but i will add like you touched on, it has a great deal to do with how the rejection is presented, words hurt and there are a lot of people out thr that have no idea how to communicate effectively. Lol ok i shall step off my ladder haha...
The word "no" is one of the most important boundary setting tools at our disposal and I don't think we say it with integrity often enough. The confusion arises between saying no to the request and no to/rejecting the person (hey, it may be the same thing in some cases) but setting our boundaries around identity is something we need to take charge of..
milly - agreed. saying "no" well is an art that we need to cultivate.
annette - which is why an explanation along with the "no" is critical. of course, the recipient may not hear or believe that explanation but it is important.
I'm in full agreement about this, and respond saying 'sorry, who are you'? which never goes down too badly (although the networker wannabee in me sits on my shoulder saying 'you should have an ever expanding universe of friends or you're a nobody'), and fits the way i live my life.
Charlie Brooker was exceptionally funny about this a while back:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,,2084333,00.html
Ed - On LinkedIn, would-be linkers use the standard line "You are someone I trust therefore I want you in my network". I have to gently tell them I a completely untrustworthy* and suggest that the very fact they would use the t-word anywhere near me indicates there are serious holes in their knowledge.
Love the Charlie Booker article and can completely relate to his small talk issues.
*Never lend me money, your house or your car. Under no circumstances leave me alone with anything higher in value than a twiglet.
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